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The Contest

Ok, now that I got your attention, let me tell you how my life has turned into an episode of Seinfeld and no, not that episode.

Or was it? I'm thinking of the one where his brain and penis play chess. Yes, this seems to be fitting to my life right now. I ate lunch with Her today. It would have been so easy, from certain points of view, to tell her how I felt about her but I couldn't.

Things always have turned awkward after such "confessions" in the past. I'm afraid what will happen if I do. Can I live with eight weeks of awkwardness? Frankly, it seems awkward now especially when we're alone.

Why am I considering this drastic step you might ask? The Bertucci's certificate idea backfired. First, she goes home for the weekend then I have my accident. I considered going this weekend but she has friends coming to visit on Friday and I'm not sure if they're staying. I waited seven years before telling my first love how I felt. I don't have seven years. I have like 7 weeks.

I'm fairly sure she doesn't feel the same way. (Those readers who know me well are probably saying, "Well, duh!!")

It's hard to say if the feelings I feel for her and when I'm with her have much to do with her or is also partly me growing up. I realize now that I was really narcissistic in my approach with past "interests." Not so with her. I actually care about her day and her problems. I look back and I really don't think I did care that much before about anyone else. I also am willing to change who I am (admittedly, to a point) to better fit her interests. WTF?

You cannot imagine how just sitting with her brightens my day. When the possibility was raised that I may have to drop out this semester to recover from my accident, one of my first thoughts was how I may never see her again.

I'll be interested to see by the comments on my tagboard, or probable lack thereof, if anyone actually reads this.


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